Such a thin line between
The hole that does not heal
And the Whole
That ties together.
I expected so much
From a visit to the past
Hope of a new beginning
Of friendly words.
It all went wrong
From their first bottle.
My eyes narrowed
As I watch their grasping.
Anything to block out
The betrayal of Christmas
The cost of treachery
Of unresolved concerns.
Alcohol doesn’t release
Kindness and gentleness.
It bottles up disappointment
That leaks out in cruelty.
I look at the younger children.
Their faces are frozen
In fierce vulnerability
Of flattened hopes.
I start looking
For a quick way out,
Of a volatile space
Of ferocious fists.
I’m too late.
She slaps my sister
Yelling about implausible
Slights.
My brother surges forward
Only to be pushed
Into a sofa
For imagined haughtiness.
I grab them both
And shove them outside
To wait for a friend
To rescue.
She comes but
Those inside
Bring their vehemence
Outside.
We all get jostled
As we jump into the car.
We laugh nervously
As we inspect our bruises.
My heart aches.
As I use words
To try to close
The gaping disenchantment hole.
Nothing works.
Sourness spills out.
I tighten up inside
Hoping nothing spills out.
Before they can
Be whole again,
Trustful of connections
Secure in risks,
I have to mend
My own
Sadness
By going within.
A part of me says
It’s all on me.
I have to solve it,
Start doing something.
Another part of me knows
That I am connected
To something wonderous
That sets off the holy in me.
It is so strange
How often the awesome
Creeps in and
Fills me with delight.
I can’t explain it.
Maybe someone
Pours me a coffee unasked
Or listens to me without judgment.
I am whole when
I connect these fragments of myself.
When I work hard at issues
When I receive something unexpected.
Wholeness is core
To my relevance
To my dignity
To my hope.
journey youth 